For instance, we ASSUME we know how Han and Leia feel about each other. We ASSUME we know how Han feels about his past. We ASSUME we know how Leia feels when she cries, or attempts suicide, or hides. And we ASSUME that everyone won't like their relationship.
But today I don't assume. I completely understand Leia. Ok...maybe not completely, but pretty close.
You know how we write about how when Han isn't there, much like what I'm writing now in Promises? About how the world is closing in on her, or at least that's how it feels, and no one is there to comfort her or back her up. How it's almost, to her, like she's fighting a one person war against the entire galaxy. And then we write about how she struggles to sleep, and instead pushes herself to work until she can work no more, just because it helps her, and any moment without work is a break too long. And we think that she would believe that's not what Han wants...and yet the tears and the frustration and stress continue to flow.
Well, I experienced that today. Upon different circumstances, as in her case it might be about how those around her feel about her relationship with Han, and how for the first time, she has to deal with everything all by herself. The memory of Alderaan, with Luke, with her relationship with the missing Han, and with the Alliance struggling to repel the Empire. For me it's actually about work. Finals are this week, and some smart person decided that this week would be the best time ever for tech to start musical...great idea. NOT. I have so much work to do over the next week that it clouds my brain to the point I can no longer think. To the point where I don't want to think.
But you know, the entire time I've been upset, and this is the third time I've written about this now, all I could think about was "Is this how Leia would feel?" Because really, it is a good question. Is that how she feels? Like the world is closing in on her and there is no escape...and no one there to rescue her (although at times she has Han, or Chewie occasionally, and how I have my best friend)? It makes a lot of sense that she would feel that way...so when I was really upset a while ago, I wrote. That's what I did. I sat at my laptop just like I'm doing now and I wrote how I felt...because later when i get to a mental breakdown in the storyline, I can go back and read it and remember just how I felt...and then apply that same feeling to how I believe Leia would be feeling at that moment.
Because I think that's something a lot of readers don't always understand. They pass off things like a breakdown from a character as something that's happening just because of what is going on in the story...or it seems out of character. But I think it's completely in character for Leia. I'm a strong person too. I can generally deal with a lot on my plate all at once and still hold a smile through the entire thing...but sometimes there just gets to be too much for me to hold and I break. It doesn't happen often, but it does...every once and a while. It seems out of my character, and to those who see little of me, they won't even notice a difference other than maybe I'm a bit snappy or I won't use a lot of excuses. They won't know I'm not sleeping, or eating, or stressed...it will just seem like I'm normal.
So I think THAT'S why we always see Leia's sudden outbursts as out of character...because they happen in a way that doesn't seem normal to us. We only break down in front of those we trust the most...for me it's a couple of my friends, and I have to say that during my last breakdown the one thing I remember helped me feel better was a hug from one of them. For Leia it's Han...and that's why she breaks down in front of him. But in Leia's reality...it would be normal. It would be in character, because she no longer needs to hold back. She doesn't need to hold the tears. Because in reality...we wouldn't be reading about it anyway.
I'm not really sure if any of this made any sense at all, but I'm going to pretend it did...and let you know that I will hopefully have a new chapter up soon...probably late next week (as you just figured out that I'm on a pretty tight schedule at the moment). But soon I promise you...soon!
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